Sunday, 20 June 2010

All Lost

In the race to the dating finish line... no one won. Not me, certainly. And none of the three previously mentioned potentials even made it to the finish line.

As you will recall Guy B dropped me like a hot potato as I've not experienced motherhood, so I couldn't possibly understand the commitment required to competently raise a couple of rugrats. (Don't get me wrong... I actually do like kids... I've just not any of my own, purely due to life's circumstances.) So obviously I would not be suitable as dating material in his world. Plus he doesn't like pets. And mine are going exactly nowhere, so there you have it. Scratched.

Guy A seemed to have potential but there were a few things that niggled at my brain. When scheduling finally permitted, we managed an evening of dinner and drinks and lots of talking to get this race heading into the final turn. Overly dramatic conversation with a heavy dose of god and religion resulted in this entry being scratched as well. He just didn't have the right stuff to make it to the finish line.

And then there's Shorty... Mr. Noncommital himself. The past week or two, contact has been less and less. When it finally came down to not replying to emails and text messages going unanswered, I decided enough was enough. It was obvious that he'd made a decision to completely withdraw from the race, but had neglected to follow the proper channels. So a face to face meeting was necessary (for my peace of mind, more than anything) and that occurred this morning. I saw that he was online on the dating website so I knew (a) he was home and (b) he didn't have a 'date' with him. So I jumped in my truck and trundled to his house, for 'the talk'.

Now, in my mind, if you have been seeing someone, even on a casual basis, for two months, and you decide (for whatever reason and that reason really doesn't matter) that it just isn't working for you, that person deserves to be informed of this decision face to face. We'd seen each other at least a dozen times and had spent many hours together. So to start the process of disengagement by completely ignoring me just wasn't going to cut it. Because that hurt.

The disappointment of it not developing into anything further was there as well, but it was the hurt that made me do it. I had to let him know that it just isn't kosher to ignore someone and hope they will go away.

So I knocked on his door, my heart pounding in my chest and tears burning behind my eyes, and asked if I could speak to him for a few minutes when he opened the door, very surprised to see me standing there. Plain and simple, I told him that although ignoring me was the easy thing to do (for him, anyway), it was so not the right thing to do. He told me he didn't think it would work out, to which I replied, "I gather that from your lack of communication." And so I went on to tell him it takes cojones to tell someone that it just isn't the right thing, that it won't work out. But despite the difficultly in doing that, it causes a lot less hurt than what he was doing.

I know...

I've been the one to say it just isn't working after a couple of months. It's one of the most nerve wracking things I've ever done (twice) when you have to tell someone, who is perfectly nice and has made it obvious they quite like you, that you just don't feel the same way. But I'd much rather do that with tact and gentleness and a true sense of compassion than to just pretend they don't exist anymore.

In the end, he apologized and said I was right, that I did deserve more than I got. And he did give me a hug as I left. I just hope he doesn't do that to anyone else. And the disappointment is still there, but at least I said what I needed to say.

I think I have to head back to the drawing board again... or the fishing pond... or whatever.


  1. i like the fishing pond metaphor, sugar! except, i think i'd change it to the ocean because, as the song says, there's too many fish in the sea... xoxoxoxoxox

  2. I have, I'm afraid, done both. The easier option is to run away, but you're right: facing up to it is very hard, but it's ultimately the decent thing to do. Hope you do better next time round.

  3. I'd go with Savannah - head to the deep blue sea - you don't want another plonker who clearly thought they were too big for the pond!

    (((Hugs))) to you, hun... hopefully your visitor will help to take your mind off things! xx

  4. I must admit, on the rare occasion when I've had to give The Talk it's been an entirely awful thing ... but at least it left me with a clear conscience.

    I have to admit that, in my younger days, I also did the ignore-her-and-she'll-go-away thing. That haunts me to this day. Granted, on one of the two occasions, I'd tried the having-the-talk thing which seemed to have made no difference.

    Exceptionally brave of you to go and confront the guy though; I'm not sure I'd have the cojones to do so if the situation were reversed.

    And now your new fishing-trip can start. Hopefully, this time you'll pull out something better than just the worm on your hook ;-)

  5. For the record, I know how the "not having kids" thing makes you want to strangle folks who fear that if we get near their Precious, he/she will explode. Like you, life just didn't work out in that department but I still love kids. Ironically I babysat/raised half the neighborhood when I was a teen. :)

    Yep....head for the ocean. And trust me girl, it's NOT the bait that's the problem, it was the big fish in the small pond.

    Hang in there...he's out there.

  6. Dynamite fishing? Just a guess ...

  7. He 'gave you a hug' as you left? Ya should have given the fucker a knee in the bollix!

    You seriously need to think about moving to Europe! :¬)


  8. NEXT!

    For what it's worth I never really thought having children was the key to happiness. I'd have lead just as fulfilling a life without them.

  9. I appreciated the few that had the common decency to say goodbye.

    Well played!

  10. I should probably admit right now to having done the 'ignore him and he'll go away' thing...but as he was doing the 'ignore her and she'll go away' thing right on back I don't feel so bad about it!

    Don't give up! There are better guys out there...honestly! I haven't met any of them yet either (at least who don't already have girl freinds/wives/boy friends/whatever) but they are out there...and probably doing exactly the same as you!

  11. Sorry it turned out to be a bad experience for you. Forget the pond for a bit. Go do something fun and enjoyable for yourself--even better, go check out what's going on in your hometown--a museum exhibit, new animals at the zoo, or just a festival to enjoy.

    Don't let this bad experience keep you down. You'll find something better often comes along--think about all the pets you've saved and raised. They didn't always have such good homes or loving owners; some were in terrible tragedies. I bet none of them ever thought they'd end up in a good, loving home like yours. Such is life. You never know what's going to happen in the future, so you keep moving forward and living life as best you can.

  12. Carry on, Intrepid Warrior! A coupla clods don't exactly constitute the garden...

  13. Wow, you went to Shorty's house! I'm impressed. I probably would have just let the communications whither and die. Cool


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