Unavailability

As I was driving to the barn to visit my horse this afternoon, and to pay his board so he doesn't get kicked outside to fend for himself, I was thinking back on the men I have dated or tried to date over the past year and a half.

And a recurring theme seems to have popped into the fore.

That of Unavailability.... which seems strange to me, because each and every one of them has listed themselves as single and available on those online dating sites.

Now, to be fair, there were a couple who were available but it just didn't work between us... neither of them was the right kind of guy for me. Mostly because, although the age difference was only five years, they seemed like my father's generation, and that was just too weird for me.

And there have been a few that, upon meeting face to face, I knew there were too many psychological issues for anything to go anywhere further than that one coffee date. The OCD guy or the 47-going-on-18 I love RC cars and stereos guy or the hangin' out with the boys, drinkin', fishin', and skidooin' guy... none of them would have been a good match at all, so one meet and greet what all that happened.

But what about the guys who keep in contact, you date often and things seem to go well, until it implodes in your face one day and then it's gone, leaving you to pick up the pieces and shake off the dust and try to figure out WTF just happened?

Or the guy who chats often online, lives close by but is so commitment phobic that he can't even do more than meet at Tim's for a coffee once a month.... maybe. And that has to be spur of the moment because he can't make plans ahead of time. And yet, when you do meet, and sit and talk, it is so comfortable, so natural, it's like you have known each other for decades. Then months will pass and no contact. Out of the blue, a 'hi - how are ya?' on the computer and things warm up with chatting again. So when you broach the subject of 'there must be some kind of an attraction if you keep contacting me', he tells you he is scared of what would change if you got together and tried a relationship for real. After all, we are 'friends' aren't we? Uh... well, I am not sure you can call this a friendship, if all it is is the occasional chat online and nothing else. What would change if it didn't work out? Nothing. But he is too scared to take a chance.... whatever.

Then there is the guy you meet, go for coffee, go out for dinner, have over for dinner, talk lots and seem to be soooo on the same page on life in general. And then you get the 'let's be friends' talk. Granted, there was lots going on in his life at that moment, but the inevitable lack of contact after that speaks volumes for what he was thinking.

And what of the one who lives too freakin' far away to be anything other than friends? You chat, you email, and that is it. The attraction is there, the commonality is there. No chance of meeting for a long time, if ever, due to logistics on both sides. Money issues, job issues, kid issues, blah, blah, blah.

The longer I do this the more I realize that the state of the modern middle aged single male is that of being Out There but Unavailable. Seems to be so common these days, it just isn't funny. Whether it is unavailable because of emotional distance, or just because of physical distance, they are still all unavailable.

I don't know if it is just me.... because I am the one common denominator here... but are most of the guys out there supposedly looking in this state of being as well? If you are not available, for whatever reason, then get off the dating sites until you are serious about trying to start something.

I am sick and tired of getting strung along by men who seem interesting and interested in some fashion. Time to grow some balls, guys, and just DO IT!