Well, in some ways, I am. And then again, not...
But in others, things are coming into alignment.
I am sorting through all the boxes of stuff that made the last couple of moves with me, without being looked at. I've found photos from Christmases long past, relationships long gone, evidence from jobs eons ago.
I have laughed over a lot of stuff, like the letters from my oldest niece when she was about 13 or 14 (she will be 32 this summer). Short little notes written with a teenager's way of stating the obvious. I have also cried over some things, like photos of my parents, both long gone and still sorely missed. A letter from my youngest brother, a number of months after our mother had died, telling us things he went through with Dad and then Mum, up until the times of their deaths. The heart wrenching openness of his emotions, of sharing his fears, his thoughts, his overwhelming love for and with us. I sobbed openly with reading that one, Lila staring at me as she paused in her exploration of all the boxes.
So far, this year has been one of tremendous change for me, and it's not even close to being over yet. This shoulder injury has led to a complete lifestyle change, one that was not entirely foreseen or at all wanted, but one that is turning out to be a probable good thing.
With the sale of the house (the paperwork is now in the hands of the lawyers) comes the realization that in the near future, I will be completely debt free. And I mean completely. I have not been in that state in many a year. There have always been mortgages, car loans, lines of credit, credit card bills... the stuff that life seems to be made of these days. I can only imagine how liberating that will feel.
I now have a date with an orthopedic surgeon (at the end of the month) to get an opinion on the course of action for my miscreant shoulder. I saw the sports medicine doc again yesterday and he did a few more tests, confirming yet again that it is a torn rotator cuff and surgery is highly likely. He also advised that I pursue an appeal with the workers compensation board, and to not attempt to analyze why they denied my claim. He said in his experience, there is no rhyme nor reason as to why some cases are denied. It is an insurance company after all, and we all know they try like hell to not pay out a cent. I have requested a copy of my file from them (to which I am entitled), have copies of the two MRIs (the actual images - it's kinda cool looking at the inside of my body, and even if I can't make out exactly what everything is, I do recognize a lot of the structure) and have contacted the local nurses union - they have an advisor who deals solely with these cases.
I have had to do a ton of paperwork for this, of course, and fork out a lot of money to prepay my benefits at work while I am off. I had to pay for four months' worth. If I am still off at that time, and WCB had not decided to change their tune, I will qualify for a disability benefit. I suspect that will be the case, but at least it will be a little more money coming in than the employment insurance benefits I am receiving right now.
I think the biggest thing in all this is the mindset that all will (eventually) be good.
The move will be good (I have a date to get the keys for the new apartment, and the movers are already booked), the new place is very nice and I will be the very first resident! They are just finishing the building now. It's a new suburban development and having checked out the website for it, it looks to be a really nice place, with creeks and trails and lots of park land throughout the area, as well as some retail and restaurants within close walking distance. (That area is just an open field right now, but it is immediately south of my apartment.) It won't take me long to get to work (when I finally return), a major shopping centre is about a 7 minute drive away, and I am about 20 minutes closer to the barn!
Eventually my shoulder will be good too. I have to believe that, because I refuse to spend the rest of my life like a wounded chicken, one wing flapping lamely in the dirt. I have found some cool videos online of difference arthroscopic procedure to repair various types of torn tendons. Well... I find them cool, anyway...
My personal life is pretty much the same, still complicated and still not really what I want or need, but I just don't have the energy to deal with that at the moment, so it will just have to chug along as is until such time as the rest of the stuff gets straightened out.
One thing you have to say about cats, though. They don't get all bent out of shape and worried the way dogs tend to do when boxes start coming out and things start shifting here and there. They just view it as an ever changing playground and a source of constant amusement!