Whiteout

(Sunday, Jan. 15th just before 4:00 p.m.)

This is the view outside my window right now. A wintery whiteout.


It's rather how my heart feels right now too.


The last post depicted a woman watching a man walk away. That's pretty much what happened to me last Wednesday, as the MoS told me that he was wanting a way out.


He has issues with commitment, stemming from a devastating end to his marriage when his wife cheated on him, and left him, saying she needed to "find herself".


He is very "house poor" right now and admits to feeling guilty about being unable to afford to "show me a good time".


His allergies continue to wreck havoc with his mood and concentration and he feels he is often short tempered with me (and others) and doesn't feel it is fair to inflict that on me.


He tells me he does like me and admits we get along well. On Friday when we were exchanging the things left at each other's homes and having a bit of a talk, he told me how much he appreciates the efforts I had put into trying to find solutions for his allergies, outside of what the doctors were doing. Those things have made a lot of difference but he still struggles with significant skin problems.


So after nearly seven months (one week shy) of spending virtually every weekend together, I am now back in my apartment (to the cats' delight), alone and wondering when things started going south.


I have never really cared about the material aspects of dating, and was quite content to spend time together, watching movies and tv, having BBQs, evenings sitting around the firepit (in the summer and fall) sipping a few drinks with the music on, going for drives, visiting family and friends, and just enjoying his company. We talked a lot, laughed, danced, discussed, joked and generally had fun. No pressure... just fun.


He knows I care for him a great deal. I know he cares for me, but he told me he does not feel the same way as I do. (And that means...???) Whether it is his fear of getting involved with someone, to fall in love, only to have it fall apart at some point in the future, with the resulting heartache (as if anyone has a crystal ball that can foretell that) or if he really just isn't that "into me" anymore, I don't know. I may never know.


All I know is that I am heartbroken.