Tuesday, 13 October 2009


Sometimes, I baffle myself. I just don't understand how I work in the ways that I do, and the why of it.

Many times in my life, I have ventured into the unknown. I have left everything and everyone I have known and moved house and home (that would fit in my vehicle) to a locale hundreds or thousands of miles away to start a new life.

I have started new jobs and new careers, just diving right in and learning what I needed to know to get on with the work at hand. I've started a new way of life when my ex and I moved to a hobby farm and set up horse keeping and growing hay. A huge learning curve for us city slickers, a helluva lot of work, but no fear.

In the past two years, since the demise of my marriage (which I am perfectly fine with, by the way... it just was not the right relationship for me at all), I have gone on more 'meet and greets' than you can shake a stick at.

And I am comfortable with that. A bit nervous each time, yes... but still looking forward to each one, to see who and what will be sitting across from me and what will flow forth from his mouth, his brain, his heart. And to discover if I should continue or run away screaming... lol!

I mentioned a while back about the latest meet and greet, and that it went well (which it did). And within a few days, we'd had two dates, both of which I felt were comfortable. He told me I was 'something special' on several occasions. However, no fireworks, no great breathtaking moments, but some things in common and very pleasant. Somewhat reserved but was that just initial shyness?

The last date ended with the beginnings of snuggles and kisses. He tells me he had to go out of town for a couple days to look at some equipment for his business. No problem. Didn't bother me in the least. I knew what he did and that fit in completely. But since then.... incommunicado. Nada... zip... nothing. He's been online at the dating site... many times since.

I guess he just wasn't that into me. Fine. Whatever. No skin off my teeth. I had no emotional attachment. I'll just keep looking. Obviously he is too.

But the real confusion in me comes from my business venture. In my work as a nurse, I talk to people all the time, even about things very personal and uncomfortable. I have no qualms about doing that. I understand how to do it tactfully and gently, a bit of necessary prying at times to fill in the gaps. Comes with the territory, right?

So why can't I talk to people about my business? Why can I give great inspirational blurbs to Kaz about conquering fears, but I can't conquer my own? I know exactly what I need to do to get the ball rolling.

And yet... I am often vocally paralyzed. Some of this involves talking to people I don't know from Adam, and some of it is talking to people I do know. I have tremendous support in this business, and people who encourage me, and great training. I've been coached on what to say and what to do, how to proceed and how to answer questions. I. Know. What. To. Do. Dammit!

But it seems I am a great chicken. I've not yet grown the cajones to get this thing off the ground. I am thankful I have a job to keep the money coming in, and the business is part time. But perhaps if I didn't, I would be spurred on to get over my fears and build my business. Unfortunately, it would not be fiscally responsible of me at this time to do that. In all reality, that would be suicidal and I could potentially lose everything if I didn't get the ball rolling right away. I can't risk that. Not living on my own and having only one salary that barely covers expenses.

I am an enigma to myself. So frightfully brave in some aspects of life, and yet such a scaredy cat in others.


  1. I'm amazed at this.
    That pep talk in my comments box has inspired me to get out there and face my fears.
    I may even get around to frogs soon.
    All I suggest is that you practise in front of a friend - or even your horse.

    Learn it all - even the ad libs...then learn to make them sound natural.

    I know, I know - aren't we complicated??

  2. Maybe that old saying about getting back on after being thrown from a horse applies! :)

    Anyway. Social skills and bravery, you haz them.

  3. Yeah, I know. Kaz, I am amazed too. I just don't understand me! I get all determined, get out there and then falter. What's up with that?

    XL, I have done that very thing... with real horses... and even though nervous as hell and scared of getting chucked off again, I did it.

    Guess I need to think of this business as horse related.

  4. Hi Ponita,

    I think with anything new, there comes some level of uncertainty but as you gain confidence you find those fears diminishing.

    I think Kaz has a good point, practice with someone or even in front of a mirror. Everything we do is perfected in our practice.


  5. I don't see it. I cannae see anything in you that does not exude confidence. You just haven't found the right man yet! How is it that if Map, U, and masel walked up to you in a bar, we would all be talking ten to the dozen without you once feeling chicken?

    I'd like to put my boot firmly in the arse of this fella who has left you feeling so insecure. Doll... you're already rolling the ball, and let no one tell you anything different.

  6. Thanks, U, and I think that her advice is good. I *do* need to practice more. Years ago, one of my riding instructors said, "Practice doesn't make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect." I need to heed those words now more than ever.

    Oh no, Jimmy... the man situation is not leading to me feeling insecure at all! It is strictly from a business standpoint, of me getting my little Viking ass in gear and getting the ball rolling. I have no problems with the man thing!

    And for the money, he's obviously not worth me wasting my time finding his ass to kick.

    If you, Map and U walked up to me in a bar, I'd have a wonderful time talking to you! No doubt about that. It is just this one aspect of things for me right now. It will change, too... as soon as I find a set of balls my size. :-D ~hugs~

  7. I am not quite sure whether I understand you right. I still do not know what your business is - the new one, I know you work as a nurse; there once was a link, but I did not follow it.
    Let me say something about my business, or better being a businessman: I am none. I learned that over the years. I am unable to sell my work, to talk to people for getting a contract, advertizing what I can, making contacts - we run once ads in a local paper and they were of fine layout, graphically well done and in a light tone - I only could do that when I took it as a kind of sport and thought of it as working for someone else, a customer.
    I can give a lecture about an historical topic in front of a lot of people without loosing it, but I can not talk someone into giving me a contract. I am unable to talk hard when its about money - and I have no real idea about it's "value", and how to express "value" or what f.e. my work is worth in cash.
    I tried to learn to give the business-talk, but I gave up after some really discouraging experiences. I do not want that frustration again.
    The only thing I can say is, that if you want to have success in business, you must "be" this business wholeheartedly, not just a little. And you must really believe in yourself and what you do. If you can carry that over without giving the attitude of arrogance it will be good. "People buy people", and that is true.
    Maybe I missed the point. Sorry.

  8. I have faith in you. It's the unknown, but you've got it in you to meet this challenge, to seize the opportunity and make the most of it. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. You can do it! Yes you can!

  9. Mago, that's what I am learning to do.... talk money... but not mine - clients' money. A new world for me with lots to learn. You didn't miss the point. And you are very right. People do buy people. :-)

    Thanks, Eros. I have to learn to have faith in my own abilities. It's just a new thing for me, having my own business. It's baby steps right now... one day soon, it will be giant steps and you won't be able to stop me!

  10. Ponita - I DID IT - crossed that bridge both ways!!
    Now please inspire yourself like you inspired wimpy little me.

  11. I think I know how you feel. The new band is like that for me, it is MY band, I am in charge, make all the decisions, talk to the venue owners, make the deals, pick the setlist! PHEW! In the other band all I have to do is sing and entertain, other people do all the rest. But I'm getting there, and each little challenge makes me that bit more confident. And YOU will be the same.

    Now where exactly is this bar?


  12. You are a strong, intelligent, determined woman, and I believe that you can do anything you put your mind to.

  13. A very honest assessment of your strengths and weaknesses. Do you know how rare such self insight is?

  14. Hi there.

    I've been on a dating site since May and haven't 'met' anyone I'd be prepared to meet up with. I'm thinking of calling it quits. They just don't seem to be worth the hassle.

    I can completely relate to what you're saying. It's hard learning to sell yourself. I had a proper job once in which I assisted people to set up their own businesses. One really good service that helped to boost budding business people was Life Coaching.

    It helped identify strengths and weaknesses and gave good strategies to overcome blocks.

    Perhaps, it might help?

    Good luck my dear. I look forward to reading of your future successes.

  15. what is youe business? And is the fact that you're not saying related in some way to your fears? Or have I missed something?!

    Some clever blogger, I really can't remember which one, once said that the best fruit is at the end of the branch and you have to be brave enough to creep right along to the end and right out of your comfort zone to reach it.

    Actually wasn't it you that said this??

  16. You're as contradictory as the rest of us. While it makes for an interesting and insightful read, it's a major pain for the person feeling it. Maybe you have to see detach yourself slightly from the situation and reduce the emotional attachment. But then what do I know? I'm superb at work in some situations and useless at life stuff. If you figure it out, I'd like to know.


So you have something to say about all this, do you?
Well, let's hear it, then!