Chicken

Sometimes, I baffle myself. I just don't understand how I work in the ways that I do, and the why of it.

Many times in my life, I have ventured into the unknown. I have left everything and everyone I have known and moved house and home (that would fit in my vehicle) to a locale hundreds or thousands of miles away to start a new life.

I have started new jobs and new careers, just diving right in and learning what I needed to know to get on with the work at hand. I've started a new way of life when my ex and I moved to a hobby farm and set up horse keeping and growing hay. A huge learning curve for us city slickers, a helluva lot of work, but no fear.

In the past two years, since the demise of my marriage (which I am perfectly fine with, by the way... it just was not the right relationship for me at all), I have gone on more 'meet and greets' than you can shake a stick at.

And I am comfortable with that. A bit nervous each time, yes... but still looking forward to each one, to see who and what will be sitting across from me and what will flow forth from his mouth, his brain, his heart. And to discover if I should continue or run away screaming... lol!

I mentioned a while back about the latest meet and greet, and that it went well (which it did). And within a few days, we'd had two dates, both of which I felt were comfortable. He told me I was 'something special' on several occasions. However, no fireworks, no great breathtaking moments, but some things in common and very pleasant. Somewhat reserved but was that just initial shyness?

The last date ended with the beginnings of snuggles and kisses. He tells me he had to go out of town for a couple days to look at some equipment for his business. No problem. Didn't bother me in the least. I knew what he did and that fit in completely. But since then.... incommunicado. Nada... zip... nothing. He's been online at the dating site... many times since.

I guess he just wasn't that into me. Fine. Whatever. No skin off my teeth. I had no emotional attachment. I'll just keep looking. Obviously he is too.

But the real confusion in me comes from my business venture. In my work as a nurse, I talk to people all the time, even about things very personal and uncomfortable. I have no qualms about doing that. I understand how to do it tactfully and gently, a bit of necessary prying at times to fill in the gaps. Comes with the territory, right?

So why can't I talk to people about my business? Why can I give great inspirational blurbs to Kaz about conquering fears, but I can't conquer my own? I know exactly what I need to do to get the ball rolling.

And yet... I am often vocally paralyzed. Some of this involves talking to people I don't know from Adam, and some of it is talking to people I do know. I have tremendous support in this business, and people who encourage me, and great training. I've been coached on what to say and what to do, how to proceed and how to answer questions. I. Know. What. To. Do. Dammit!

But it seems I am a great chicken. I've not yet grown the cajones to get this thing off the ground. I am thankful I have a job to keep the money coming in, and the business is part time. But perhaps if I didn't, I would be spurred on to get over my fears and build my business. Unfortunately, it would not be fiscally responsible of me at this time to do that. In all reality, that would be suicidal and I could potentially lose everything if I didn't get the ball rolling right away. I can't risk that. Not living on my own and having only one salary that barely covers expenses.

I am an enigma to myself. So frightfully brave in some aspects of life, and yet such a scaredy cat in others.