Sunday, 9 May 2010

Go away already

I've been doing this online dating thing for so long now, you'd think the uncertainty, the anxiety, the fears would just go away. What I have found, instead, is that as time passes... and it's been over 2 1/2 years already, that the fear of expressing my feelings to someone I am getting to know and to like just grows.

It's bitten me in the past, you see. Big time. To the point of shattering my heart. And I so don't want to feel that again. But not saying things is killing me. It's just not who I am. I am expressive. I can be verbose. But I am tactful in my verbosity, if that is a word... blogger didn't underline it in red so I am assuming it is.

I am so tired of getting scared of letting someone know how I feel, even if it is just the beginnings of feelings, of like, and a desire to spend a bit more time with that someone, getting to know them better, to see if anything will develop that has a future.

Because so far, the few that I have spoken to, that I have expressed myself to, have all bolted for one reason or another. One was terrified of getting hurt. Obviously he thought if he had feelings for me, it wasn't going to work anyway so might as well kill it before he got to that point. The problem is, I had already developed strong feelings for him, so I was the one who ended up hurt.

Then there was the one with a very strong connection... for both of us, it seemed... until he canceled a coffee date to get back together with his ex. I guess that connection wasn't quite so strong, was it...

And now with this one... the one who is in a state of flux because of his past... his recent past... which he is working at resolving but it will take time, as these things always do, and she's being a cow so that makes it all the messier. The one who, although he spends great stretches of time with me, has told me he can't make a commitment at this time because of his situation being what it is. He tells me he has a great time with me, that he enjoys my company, that we have great fun together... and it's true, because I can see it and feel it too. But I also sense that he's keeping me at arm's length... although the real reason isn't entirely known.

Because I have not expressed myself to him.... I have not told him that, despite knowing my words could spell the end of everything, it is killing me to keep my silence, to go with the flow, to just let things develop whatever way they may.

I am sick and tired of feeling like I have to let the other person dictate the energy flow, the speed, the direction. I am sick and tired of the fear and anxiety all this creates, like I have no say in anything. But I am also quite terrified of opening my mouth and destroying what may be slowly and steadily developing... Will it continue if I let my feelings be known? I have serious doubts. I have come to learn that most men don't want to or are afraid to hear what you feel, what you have going on inside you. I've learned that the hard way. And I just wish it would all go away.

So the battle is within myself... do I speak or not? Do I keep looking, or not? I think I have to keep looking... I can't just sit and wait and let life pass me by... because I am going crazy with the waiting, the wondering, the quiet. It sucks. I want to get on with life.


  1. Just an observation here. But I think I'd advise you to be careful when getting involved with someone who's in the middle of a break up/divorce. They're going through something extremely stressful and life changing, and some of their decisions and actions could be reactions to the situation, not their normal behavior.

    That being said, they might not be the best people to start anything with, at least until they've had some serious time to sort out their lives and find out who they are and what they want. They are in a state of flux, trying to sort out the chaos and putting their lives back together. They need to take care of themselves first before they can truly take care of another person.

    I think it's admirable that you do risk it all by laying it out there. And you're right. It does take courage to admit your feelings. Some people will be scared when confronted with strong emotions. That happens.

    If I were you, might I suggest just taking out a piece of paper and writing out everything that you're feeling, everything you want to say, every thought and emotion, just let it all out. Sometimes, you just need to put it in writing to let it all out.

    It's a good way to release your inner thoughts and emotions, without risking a big face off with someone who might not necessarily be in the right frame of mind or state of being to move on to the next step and commit to someone. Some people just a little longer than others to be sure. And some people may not be right for you. But at least by writing it out, you can get the stress out for now, and maybe give yourself a little bit of relief.

  2. What eroswings said.

  3. I agree with eroswings, too. It takes a loooong time to unwind a long-standing relationship. Anyone entering mid-process is gonna get burned. Usually burned bad.

    And that's the rub. Those of us who've suffered and lost simply suck as partners for a good long while. One has to be happy in order to share happiness.

    Find yourself a happy soul...(easier said than done, I know).

  4. This may sound trite, but it became true in my case that I didn't find the right person for me until after I stopped looking.

    I believe that one eventually reaches an age where the person we are is very firmly established; built on the fears, successes, essentially thousands of experiences that have made us into the person we are today. Finding someone of similar social and emotional experience becomes increasingly statistically slim. But attempting to come to terms with the prospect that what or who we want may not actually be out there might in itself be a way to find inner peace. And who knows, within finding that inner peace, new possibilities themselves may arise.

    Einstein once talked about the frustration of trying and trying to find a solution to a difficult problem; but then later after abandoning the search (during the course of eating an apple, I think he said) the solution just appeared to him saying, "here I am".

    In other words, perhaps looking for something is not always the best way of finding it.

  5. ((((ponita)))) you've already answered your question when you say: I want to get on with life. xoxoxoxo

    (having 3 divorces amongst the coconut krewe and 41 years of my own marriage, i know one thing, secrets and silence never work.)

  6. You have to be yourself. You may be looking in the wrong place. Why are these men on a dating site so soon after a relationship...
    What men need and what women need are different, it never changes, nor do people.

    Try to stop looking for that special someone so earnestly... go ahead and get on with your life... they'll show up.

  7. Speak.
    Chase the mice away.

  8. Verbosity is a word—I ought to know because I'm as verbose as they get.

    Men, I believe, are basically afraid of women. During our formative years, mom and teachers are authority figures not to be crossed. In adolescence, girls are an enigma and can be hurtful, either accidentally or on purpose. As adults, 50% of men are divorced and have sour (at best) memories of the woman (women) they once loved. Add to this the fact that boyz never grow into men and that many of them are just plain arseholes, and the field of dreams is slim indeed.

    What I'm verbosing (not a word) about is that men are not used to a warm, open, honest, intelligent, communicative, and pulchritudinous woman like you. You are a rare woman, Ponita, and it will take a rare man to understand it.

    But he's out there somewhere.

  9. I found mine when I wasn't looking. I really think that giving up and giving in is the way to go. When you're not looking is when someone will show up. Live your life the way you want and the way you enjoy things and the right person will show up at the right time. And come to Edmonton for a visit. Love, your big sister.


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