I've been doing this online dating thing for so long now, you'd think the uncertainty, the anxiety, the fears would just go away. What I have found, instead, is that as time passes... and it's been over 2 1/2 years already, that the fear of expressing my feelings to someone I am getting to know and to like just grows.
It's bitten me in the past, you see. Big time. To the point of shattering my heart. And I so don't want to feel that again. But not saying things is killing me. It's just not who I am. I am expressive. I can be verbose. But I am tactful in my verbosity, if that is a word... blogger didn't underline it in red so I am assuming it is.
I am so tired of getting scared of letting someone know how I feel, even if it is just the beginnings of feelings, of like, and a desire to spend a bit more time with that someone, getting to know them better, to see if anything will develop that has a future.
Because so far, the few that I have spoken to, that I have expressed myself to, have all bolted for one reason or another. One was terrified of getting hurt. Obviously he thought if he had feelings for me, it wasn't going to work anyway so might as well kill it before he got to that point. The problem is, I had already developed strong feelings for him, so I was the one who ended up hurt.
Then there was the one with a very strong connection... for both of us, it seemed... until he canceled a coffee date to get back together with his ex. I guess that connection wasn't quite so strong, was it...
And now with this one... the one who is in a state of flux because of his past... his recent past... which he is working at resolving but it will take time, as these things always do, and she's being a cow so that makes it all the messier. The one who, although he spends great stretches of time with me, has told me he can't make a commitment at this time because of his situation being what it is. He tells me he has a great time with me, that he enjoys my company, that we have great fun together... and it's true, because I can see it and feel it too. But I also sense that he's keeping me at arm's length... although the real reason isn't entirely known.
Because I have not expressed myself to him.... I have not told him that, despite knowing my words could spell the end of everything, it is killing me to keep my silence, to go with the flow, to just let things develop whatever way they may.
I am sick and tired of feeling like I have to let the other person dictate the energy flow, the speed, the direction. I am sick and tired of the fear and anxiety all this creates, like I have no say in anything. But I am also quite terrified of opening my mouth and destroying what may be slowly and steadily developing... Will it continue if I let my feelings be known? I have serious doubts. I have come to learn that most men don't want to or are afraid to hear what you feel, what you have going on inside you. I've learned that the hard way. And I just wish it would all go away.
So the battle is within myself... do I speak or not? Do I keep looking, or not? I think I have to keep looking... I can't just sit and wait and let life pass me by... because I am going crazy with the waiting, the wondering, the quiet. It sucks. I want to get on with life.