Saturday 7 June 2014

What's that on my forehead?

Is it a big 'L' for Loser?

Or 'Friend Only'?

Seems to me that either I am doing something wrong, or the men I date find something wrong with me that causes them all to say 'you're a great woman but I don't want to date you anymore; I hope we can still be friends.'

Things with Maart had, I thought, been going really well. We hadn't had any real disagreements on anything. We're both pretty easy going. We enjoyed each other's company and spent quite a bit of time together. Having the same weekends off (when working in health care, as we both do, that can be a huge issue) meant we spent each of those weekends off together at either his place or mine.

We went on a couple of vacations together and had a great time. He helped me around my house and I helped him around his. We cooked for each other. He was always affectionate and demonstrative. We held hands whenever we walked somewhere. He treated me well. I met his family and he met mine. Same thing with close friends.

His birthday was May 17th and the evening before, we both got a little tippled. Walking hand in hand around his neighbourhood late in the evening, we chit chatted and laughed and he told me who lives where (he's lived almost his whole life in this one little town) and tidbits of background on the area. When we were going to sleep, my alcohol addled brain told him I loved him. Which I do. But up to this point, I'd not said anything because past experience has made me rather skittish about revealing that. I'd never held back showing him how I felt, but had never told him before. If he said anything back, I don't know what it was, because I was asleep pretty much as my head hit the pillow. He had always been openly affectionate with me, although he'd never said he loved me either.

Last night, he came over for the evening before heading to work, bringing Chinese for supper. At one point, he turned to me and said "I'm sorry." Before anything else came out, my heart had already stopped. He told me he didn't love me, that it was mostly him and a little bit me ("You're an awesome woman but also sometimes you're frickin' annoying. But then I'm sure I am too.") and that he didn't want to be boyfriend-girlfriend anymore but hoped we could still be friends. That he wanted to be open to date someone else if that opportunity came up. And no, he didn't have anyone else on the side. That he didn't want to let himself fall in love again because he'd done that twice (first: his wife, who came home one day and told him she didn't want to come home anymore (their kids were 11 and 12 at the time); second: a five year relationship with a woman he met at work who apparently became a nightmare when she hit menopause and had horrible mood swings and general nastiness towards him and his kids) and it had hurt too much when things went tits up both times. He's not a cold hearted kind of guy at all. In fact, one of the things that attracted me was his generosity and warmth. Okay, so that's two things. There were lots more as well.

Well, I am sure you can imagine the tears. The heartbreak.  The "why didn't I see this coming?" thoughts. But in thinking about it after he left, I could see that there were subtle signs. Since his birthday, although he never rebuffed my sitting close to him, or holding his hand, or moving in for a hug or a kiss, he wasn't initiating any of that anymore. The sex never suffered... go figure.

So I am living in Singlesville again. All I can say is, fuck the online dating thing again. I am so not going there. I spent the six years prior to meeting Maart going through all that crap, over and over ad nauseum, and I just don't have the stomach for it again.

Maybe I'll just become a crazy cat lady. I think I need a few more cats to fit the description properly, though...

14 comments:

  1. Well, damn. [hugs]

    PS: Yes, that's going to require a lot more cats.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the hugs. You can never have enough of those. And yeah, I don't think two cats fits the legal description of Crazy Cat Lady.

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  2. Whoa! I did not see that coming. Granted, I'm quite far removed from your reality, but I do know this: you are not a "LOSER" in any way shape or form. As a matter of fact, you're quite impressive in a great many ways.

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    Replies
    1. Well I sure didn't see it coming either. And thank you Jonas. Your kind words are appreciated.

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  3. I almost fell off my chair in shock! Sweetie, it's NOT you...you are not a loser, you're a strong, independent woman. Maybe that scares some men. Maybe having a strong woman indicate she's human and loves scares some men. Maybe men who have been burned in the past think of women as fun toys. I don't know. I'm just sorry your heart got smashed. You deserve better.

    Here's a hug...waiting quietly in the corner now, cheering you on.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, I think he's scared. Or he's just not that into me. Or both. Who knows. But thanks for the hugs.

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  4. Oh darling. I am so sorry to read that. I so enjoyed seeing you both together on FB and seeing snippets of your adventures.

    Some men are just stupid! They hear the "L" word and run for cover. Eejit. It's not like you told him you loved him and started leaving Bridal magazines all over the place.

    I am sending you masses and masses of hugs and lots of love. And even more.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Roses. I certainly enjoyed my time with him... but what can you do?
      xoxoxo

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  5. XXX :-)

    (Just to be sure, you WEREN'T leaving Bridal magazines all over the place?) <3

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    Replies
    1. Hey, Birthday Boy... I was NOT leaving bridal magazines around!! Why the hell would I want to get married again? Been there, done that. No need to repeat.
      xoxoxo

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  6. *slaps Mr Cheen*
    Oh, I am so sorry to read this. I have been enjoying your happiness.
    Hugs to you. You are still my heroine.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Scarlet. I had truly enjoyed the time I spent with Maart. Although I don't know that I deserve to be anyone's heroine.

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